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Excitement, Unconditional Love, Guilt, and Inadequacy - Day 10 part 2

After our meeting this morning with Siphiwe (Director of SWAPOL), we went to the wholesaler to purchase items for our orphan party on Sunday in Malindza and then went to our eLangeni schools to watch our kids rehearse for the national competitions this weekend.  Sizo and Nosipho are competing in the opera solo competition.  They were beautiful!!!! I only sing in the shower, but these kids sang opera music in Italian in front of the entire school with no stage fright.  (Daddy Elble, you’d love it!!) 

Afterward we drove Nkhosingiphile and Gcinile home from school so we could deliver their food and hygiene items.  Kait almost got our Nissan Grand Livina stuck in a huge ditch but Mary and I got out and used our enormous muscles to push us out of danger.  (Sorry Dollar Rental, we will try to return your car in one piece!!) As we dropped items at one of the girl’s homes her brother came out to greet us.  He was so excited we came and asked us to come inside and see how he has set up our solar panels we purchased for them in December.  As I entered the house I immediately felt a weight in my heart.  You could not even stand up straight and the dung hut was pitch black.  As you turn a corner you step down into another tiny 10ft/10ft room and you see our GHFP solar lighting illuminating the small room with no windows.  He excitedly told us that now Gcinile can study in the evenings because they have light.  As I look around I see a frail sick woman in a bed trying without success to sit up to greet me, a Gogo and 3 baby children standing in a corner and maybe 3 spare square feet of dirt floor.  

For the past 7 years there has been a cycle I go through over and over and over again.  When I am on the plane to Swaziland the excitement is immense.  When I spend time with my children – especially when I see them smile – the love almost breaks my heart.  Then I see the poverty they live in every day, despite our best efforts, and the guilt and inadequacy is overwhelming.  I want to give them the tools to kick the world’s ass.  They are smart, talented, hardworking, and amazing – they could do it if given the chance!!  But no matter how hard we try to help, it constantly feels like a drop in the ocean.  You’re never doing enough; never providing enough tools, never making them feel as amazing as they truly are.  But I try to turn this guilt/inadequacy into fire to work harder for the kids.  They are going to be world changers and I can’t wait to watch it happen from the sidelines… as the crazy white lady cheering them on the whole way. 

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